It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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