is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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