I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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