so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
