hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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