dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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