The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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