Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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