i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
