More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
