I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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