My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
