Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
