i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
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Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
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HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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