i just made my gag reflex go away.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
