i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
A bitchslap is in order.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
