I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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