New invention idea: vibrating tampons
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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