he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
