2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
