I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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