i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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