A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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