just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
