So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
