gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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