whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
it was like his penis was on wheels.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
