Soap is not a condiment
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
