Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
