The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
