do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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