yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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