Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Drunk is a universal language darling
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
