Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
