I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
