Is it because I queefed?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
