the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
