Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
