I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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