The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
