Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You took a bar mat shot.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
