i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
