So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
