She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
