Moan for me like Helen Keller
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
barbara walters just said penis...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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