Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
