Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
