There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
