Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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