and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
