When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
