we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
