Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
