Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
