im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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