Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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