It's a beautiful day for a hangover
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
