The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
