She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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