What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
