Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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