Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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